Home

TWO CARS IN EVERY GARAGE,THEE EYES ON EVERY FISH.
Written by Sam Simon and John Swartzwelder
Directed by Wesley Archer
TV Guide synopsis

Homer's boss, a gubernatorial candidate, says ``natural selection'' caused
the three-eyed fish caught behind his nuclear plant. Voices: Harry Shearer,
Julie Kavner, Dan Castellaneta.

Title sequence

Blackboard
{I will not Xerox my butt.}
{I will not Xerox m} at cutoff.

Driveway
Homer says nothing when Lisa scoots past.
Homer yells ``Auuuugh!'' when the car closes in on him.

Couch
The couch springs out into a bed.

Quotes and scene summary


A tranquil scene by the lake. Lisa and Bart are fishing. A car pulls up.

Reporter: Ah. So, kids, caught anything?
Lisa: Not yet, sir.
Reporter: Uh huh. Uh, what are you using for bait?
Lisa: My brother's using worms, but I, who feel the tranquility
far outweighs the actual catching of fish, am using nothing.
Reporter: I see. And what's your name, son?
Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
Reporter: Heh heh. I'm Dave Shutton. I'm an investigative reporter who's
on the road a lot and, uh, I must say that in my day, we didn't talk
that way to our elders.
Bart: Well, this is my day, and we do, sir.
[catches something on the line, with appropriate `Hulp!' noises]
All right! We eat tonight!
-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

But there is something strangely peculiar about the fish Bart catches.
It has one, two, three eyes. In the distance looms the twin cooling
towers of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant.

Mutation Caught At Ol' Fishin' Hole \\
* Is Power Plant Responsible? \\
Boy Was Using Five Pound Test And Ordinary Worms \\
Sister Was Just There For The Tranquility
-- The Springfield Shopper headlines,
``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Fishin' Hole Or Fission Hole? \\
* Burns Denies Responsibility In Fish Flap \\
Count The Eyes, Mr. Burns!
-- The Springfield Shopper headlines,
``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Marge: Well, leave it to good ol' Mary Bailey to finally step in
and do something about that hideous genetic mutation.
Homer: [snort] Mary Bailey. Well, if I was governor, I'd sure find
better things to do with my time.
Marge: Like what?
Homer: Like getting Washington's Birthday and Lincoln's Birthday
back as separate paid holidays. `President's Day' [blows a raspberry]
What a rip-off! I bust my butt day in and day out...
Marge: You're late for work, Homer.
Homer: So? Someone'll punch in for me.
Lisa: Try not to spill anything, Dad.
Bart: Keep those mutants comin', Homer!
Homer: [sotto voce] I'll mutant you...
-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Homer arrives at work to find that only plain cake donuts are left.
The P.A.\ crackles to life.

Hi, ho, faceless employees.
-- Monty Burns greets his faceless employees,
``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Burns announces that a government inspection team is coming, so look busy
and keep your mouths shut. The inspectors arrive...

Hold me, Smithers.
-- Monty Burns, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Okay, men. Geiger counters on. [Geiger counters go crazy]
-- The nuclear power plant inspection,
``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Gum used to seal crack in cooling tower.
-- The nuclear power plant inspection,
``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

``D'oh. I'm as shocked as you are.''

Plutonium rod used as paperweight.
-- The nuclear power plant inspection,
``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

``D'oh. Now that shouldn't be.''

A drop of glowing green goo burns a hole through the
inspector's clipboard. ``Yeah, well, that's always been like that.''

Homer: [wakes with a start] Aa! [twiddling levers wildly]
Uh, just resting my eyes!
Burns: Ah, well-done. A rested employee is a vigilant employee.
-- The nuclear power plant inspection,
``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

The inspectors stand in knee-deep glowing green water.

The chief inspector is taken to Burns' office.

Inspector: Mr. Burns, in twenty years, I have never seen such a shoddy,
deplorable...
Burns: Oh, look! Some ... careless person has left thousands and
thousands of dollars just lying here on my ... coffee table. Uh,
Smithers, why don't we leave the room, and hopefully, when we
return, the pile of money will be gone.
[leaves, waits, then returns]
Ooh. Look Smithers, the money and a very stupid man are
still here.
Inspector: Burns, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying
to bribe me.
Burns: Is there some confusion about this?
[thrusting the money into the inspector's pockets]
Take it! Take it! Take it, you poor schmo!
-- The nuclear power plant fails inspection,
``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

The inspector presents Burns with a list of 342 violations.

Burns: How much could it possibly cost to fix this place up?
Smithers: Approximately fifty-six million dollars, sir.
Burns: Fifty-six million!
Smithers: [cowering] Don't hit me, sir.
-- The nuclear power plant fails inspection,
``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Burns sends Smithers out, then hits the bottle. Time passes from 5:00 to
9:30, and Burns is obviously drunk. He sings ``Brother, Can You Spare
a Dime'' as he trudges down the empty corridors. Burns tosses the empty
bottle aside with a clatter.

The noise wakes Homer, asleep at his post. Realizing the lateness of the
hour, Homer phones home. ``Sorry I didn't call, but it's been a madhouse
here!'' In the parking lot, Homer hears Monty Burns' voice singing
from his luxury car. He peeks into the window, and the two are startled by
each other. Monty invites Homer in...

Ooh! Cushy!
-- Homer sits in Monty Burns' car,
``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

... and explains his predicament. Homer
recalls how he was talking to Marge about how <he> would run things if
he were governor...

Burns: Do you realize how much it costs to run for office?
More than any honest many could afford!
Homer: I bet <you> could afford it, though.
-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Monty likes the idea. He drives off. ``Where are we going, sir?''
``To create a new and better world.'' ``If it's on the way, could you
drop me off at my house?''

[End of Act One.]

Marge: Homer, we're a Mary Bailey family.
Homer: Mary Bailey isn't going to fire me if I don't vote for her.
-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Ooh, a political discussion at our table. I feel like a Kennedy!
-- Lisa, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Marge can't see how a despicable man like Monty Burns has a chance
against Mary Bailey, ``the most belov\'ed governor our great state has
ever known.''

Monty Burns has called a meeting.

Now, here's the problem as I see it.
While Governor Bailey is belov\'ed by all,
ninety-eight percent of the voters rate you as despicable or worse.
-- Monty Burns' political advisor,
``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

The advisor introduces a few of his staff.

Advisor: Their job is to turn this Mr. Burns...
[shows standard portrait of Monty Burns]
... into this one.
[shows `artist's conception'.]
Burns: Why are my teeth showing like that?
Advisor: Because you're smiling!
Burns: Ah, excellent!
Yeah, this is exactly the kind of trickery I'm paying you for.
-- Monty Burns runs for office,
``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

The advisor continues by introducing the other half of his team: The
people whose job it is to turn public sentiment against Mary Bailey.
``Ah, visual aids help so much.'' The first order of business is to
neutralize the fish story.

Grampa Simpson and friends watch television.

Thank you for watching `Movie for a Dreary Afternoon'.
-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Coming next is a paid political announcement. Neither Abe nor Jasper
is willing to get up to change the channel, so they suffer through it.

An election!? That's one of those deals where they close the bars, isn't it?
-- Barney, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Marge: I wonder if he's going to say anything about that horrible fish.
Homer: Oh, Marge. What's the big deal?
I bet before the papers blew this out of proportion,
you didn't even know how many eyes a fish had.
-- Watching Burns' campaign advertisement,
``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Thirty seconds to air.

Advisor: Now remember to smile.
Burns: [back to camera] I <am> smiling.
Advisor: You'll have to do better than that.
Burns: [grunt, grunt] How's this?
Advisor: There you go!
Burns [front view, showing very slight grimace]
Oh, I'm going to be sore tomorrow!
-- Preparing for his campaign advertisement,
``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

By the time this paid political announcement is done, every
Johnny Lunchpail in this whole stupid state will be eating
out of my hands. [realizes the camera is on] Oh, hello, friends.
-- Monty Burns presents his campaign advertisement,
``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

He shows a fishbowl containing a three-eyed fish, named Blinky,
and assures the television audience that nothing is wrong.

But don't take <my> word for it.
Let's ask an actor portraying Charles Darwin what <he> thinks.
-- Monty Burns presents his campaign advertisement,
``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

`Charles Darwin' presents his theory of natural selection.

So you're saying this fish may have an advantage over other fish.
It may be, in fact, a kind of `Super-Fish'!
-- Monty Burns presents his campaign advertisement,
``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Another absurd analogy later, Monty concludes...

This fish is a miracle of nature. With a taste that can't be beat.
[rubs his tummy] Mmm-mm!
-- Monty Burns neutralizes the fish story,
``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

``Only a moron wouldn't cast his vote for Monty Burns.''
-- Monty Burns' campaign song,
``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Wow! Super-Fish!
-- Barney, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

That Burns is just what this state needs: Young blood!
-- Abe, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Homer: I hope Burns and I can count on your support, honey.
Marge: Homer, I'm a Bailey Booster.
Homer: Oh, yeah? Well, <I'm> a Burns Booster.
[pins on a Burns campaign button] Ow!
-- Watching Burns' campaign advertisement,
``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Advisor: Congratulations, Mr. Burns, the latest polls show you are
up six points.
Burns: Ah, giving me a total of...
Advisor: Six.
-- Burns runs for governor,
``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Mary Bailey: My worthy opponent thinks that the voters of this state
are gullible fools. I, however, prefer to rely on their
intelligence and good judgement.
Reporter: Interesting strategy.
-- The gubernatorial campaign,
``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

The campaign continues.

Marge's sign: An Independent Voter for Bailey
Lisa's T-shirt: I wish I were old enough to vote for Bailey.
Bart's T-shirt: My dad told me to vote for Burns.
Homer's sign: I'm a fool for Burns.
-- The family takes sides in the gubernatorial campaign,
``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Burns: Have you, uh, found any dirt on Mary Bailey?
Advisor 1: Well, we've gone through her garbage.
Advisor 2: We talked to her maid.
Advisor 1: And so far, the only negative thing we have found is
from some guy who dated her when she was 16.
Burns: Ah. And?
Advisor 2: He, uh, he felt her up.
Burns: Bah! Not good enough!
-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Monty Burns gives a fiery speech.

Bart: Is your boss governor yet?
Homer: Not yet, son, not yet.
-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

The headlines read, ``Burns nukes Bailey in latest poll''.

Advisor: The voters now see you as imperial and god-like.
Burns: Hot dog!
Advisor: But there's a down-side to it.
The latest polls indicate you're in danger of losing touch with
the common man.
Burns: Oh, dear! Heaven forfend!
-- Burns runs for governor,
``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

The night before the election, he should dine with one of his employees.
The advisors survey the security monitors in search for ``somebody
common enough.'' They see Homer eating a donut, scratching his butt,
and belching. Burns concedes, ``Well, I knew there would be sacrifices...''

[End of Act Two.]

Homer: Oh! Great toast, Marge!
Oh, by the way, the night before the election, Mr. Burns is
coming over for dinner.
Marge: What!?
Homer: Oh, and some reporters and a camera crew, but you don't have to
feed them.
Bart: Cool, man! A media circus!
Marge: Absolutely not!
Homer: Come on, Marge!
Marge: Mm mm. I'm going to be ringing doorbells for Mary Bailey that night.
Homer: D'oh! Kids, pleases leave the room. I don't want you to see this.
Bart: Uh-oh. [Bart, Lisa, and Maggie zip away]
Homer: [on his knees] Please please please please please please please please
please please...
-- The power of persuasion,
``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

The campaign crew plaster the Simpsons house with Burns posters.
(Even taking down the family portrait to make room.)

Advisor: Little girl, do you think you can memorize this by dinnertime
tomorrow?
Lisa: ``Mr. Burns: your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway
freight train. Why are you so popular?''
Advisor: Very good.
Lisa: Mm. Well, as long as I'm asking something, can I ask him to assuage
my fears that he's contaminating the planet in a manner that may one
day render it uninhabitable?
Advisor: No, dear. The card question'll be fine.
Marge: Well, I think the non-card question is a valid...
Homer: Marge! ... Don't worry. My daughter's very bright, and I'm sure
she'll be able to memorize your question by dinnertime tomorrow.
-- Preparing for Burns' visit as part a campaign publicity stunt,
``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Mr. Burns wants you to appear veeeery affectionate towards him.
But we must remind you, he hates being touched.
-- Preparing for Burns' visit as part a campaign publicity stunt,
``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

That evening in bed, Homer tries to snuggle up to Marge, who keeps
sliding away, until she falls onto the floor.

Homer: Marge, get back in bed.
Marge: [on the floor] No, I'm just fine right here.
Homer: What's wrong? I just want to snuggle.
Marge: I don't feel like snuggling.
Homer: What's that got to do with it?
-- Apparently, not much, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Marge explains that she doesn't want to snuggle with someone who doesn't
let her express herself. Homer explains that she <does> express herself,
through her housework and cooking. Marge takes to the idea, to Homer's
bemusement.

It's media circus time. The latest polls show a dead heat.
The guest of honor arrives, and is promptly bowled over by SLH.

Bad dog! Bad... neighbor dog!
-- Homer, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

He picks himself up, then is knocked down by Snowball II.

The family and Burns are seated at the dinner table. The advisor tells
Monty that the way he handled the pet incident has put him over the top.
Homer invites Bart to say Grace.

Dear God: We paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.
-- Bart says Grace, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Monty quickly covers. The family dig into their green glop (presumably
a salad) in a decidedly vulgar manner as Homer asks the prepared question.
Monty pretends the question was unexpected, then answers it in dramatic
fashion. As Marge clears away the dishes, Lisa reluctantly asks her
question, then leaves before Monty has finished answering it. Lisa joins
Marge in the kitchen to mope.

Lisa, you're learning many valuable lessons tonight. and
one of them is to always give your mother the benefit of the doubt.
-- Marge, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Marge carries the entree to the table: It's fish. Three-eyed.
Monty reluctantly hands over his plate, and Marge serves him the head.
Burns reluctantly takes a forkful, chews, then spits it out.
The piece of fish flies across the room. Cameras flash furiously,
and the media leave, all before the fish hits the floor.

Within minutes, word is out, and Monty's campaign is ruined.
His advisors throw in the towel.

YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! I'M CHARLES MONTGOMERY BURNS!
-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Burns: [smashes some pictures] [tries to overturn a table, but can't]
Smithers, turn over this table for me.
Smithers: Yes, sir. [does so]
-- A friend in need, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Homer tries to invervene, but Burns snaps back, `Shut up and wreck
something!'' So Homer smashes a flowerpot. Lisa asks what the destruction
is going to accomplish, and Burns concedes the point.

Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the
election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to
go to jail. That's democracy for you.
Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.
-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

``Simpson, I shall make it the focus of my remaining years that your
dreams will go unfulfilled.''

Homer: Oh. My dreams will go unfulfilled? Oh, no! I don't like
the sound of that one bit. That means I have nothing
to hope for. Marge, make it better please, can't
you make it better, huh?
Marge: Homer, when a man's biggest dreams include seconds on
dessert, occasional snuggling and sleeping in til noon on
weekends, no one man can destroy them.
Homer: Hey, you did it! [big smooch] [snuggling occurs and credits go up]
-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

[End of Act Three]

Voice credits

Starring
Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Barney, Political advisor, Scott Christian)
Julie Kavner (Marge)
Nancy Cartwright (Bart)
Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
\: and
Harry Shearer (Burns, Smithers, Dave Shutton, Inspector, Darwin)
Also Starring
Hank Azaria (Moe)
Maggie Roswell (Mary Bailey)

Didja notice...

... Maggie fell twice? Once as Marge and Homer install placards
on their front lawn, and again as Mr. Burns leaves the house.
... Bart's newspaper scrapbook included a clipping titled ``Vandal
Decapitates Town Statue''? (`The Tell-Tale Head' [7[FG]07].)
It even contained a color photo!
... Homer arrived at work at 3:00pm? Logic: Homer arrived at work late,
complained about the plain donuts, then heard Mr. Burns' announcement
about the inspection people coming. The clock on the wall behind Mr.
Burns reads 3:05pm.
... the glowing green rat scurrying across the floor?
... Monty Burns wore white socks to the Simpsons residence?